December 1, 2012

Will we someday be feeding a Sasquatch at the zoo?

English: Generic Wookie, pictured here in 2005...
'Squatch hoopin' it (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The big news in the ‘Squatch world this week is that a five year DNA study will be released soon suggesting that the hairy walker of the wilds is not human or non-human – but a hybrid cross of the two.
Melba Ketchum, a former veterinarian, headed up the research in which three complete ‘Squatch nuclear genomes determined the beasts of the brush come from a male of an “unknown” hominin species and a female Homo sapien. A hominin is a grouping including humans, extinct humans and all the immediate ancestors, apparently including apes.

According to the Yakima Herald-Republic, Thom Cantrall, an author who hosted a ‘Squatch symposium last summer, said he had "a tremendous fear" over what might happen to the Sasquatch population in the future. The government will seek to ensure their safety, he said, noting that federal protections for the spotted owl will seem "only miniscule" in comparison.
"Really, the only protection (Sasquatches) need is protection from being murdered," Cantrall said. "Because there's going to be that faction out there, too."

According to the Herald-Republic report, a September post on a hunting website ended with this note: "PS: What gun do you think would be best for when I get my first Sasquatch tag?"

Editor’s Note: This is good stuff. So somewhere down the line, during a time when apes transformed into humans, a male got together with human female and produced what today is known as a ‘Squatch. So was this hominin (the male), which apparently could be anything from an ape to a human, an ape or a human or an apeman or a manape or a hupe. From the accounts of ‘Squatch, it appears as though the male was an ape or pretty darn close to one. That is unless the female was unfortuitously follicled.

If ‘Squatch is someday proven to really exist, the feds could try to increase their population by putting them on the endangered species list. Eventually there will come a day when they are taken off the list. Hunting them will follow. Probably not in my lifetime, but someday, among the the deer and elk heads and bear rugs hanging from their walls, hunters will actually have a ‘Squatch adorning their dens.

Squatch Dunk
Squatch Dunk (Photo credit: gerardov)
Perhaps, we will try to domesticate them. Could you imagine taking your ‘Squatch to the vet to be neutered. “Honey, I’m going to the store to get ‘Squatch food.” An entire new line of ‘Squatch treats would appear. How about a ‘Squatch kennel to keep your ‘Squatch in when you go on vacation. People would be standing in front of stores giving away free newborn ‘Squatches.

Perhaps easily trained, they could rake leaves or clean the garage. I might never have to leave the couch.

Oh the possibilities. If they only existed.

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